Tuesday, 27 August 2013

U.N. probes alleged gas attack; U.S. warns Damascus

U.N. experts got to inspect the site of a reported chemical attack on civilians near Syria's capital Monday as the United States accused the Syrian government of trying to cover up the attack.
The U.N. inspectors entered the town of Moadamiyet al-Sham and appeared to be examining the area accompanied by doctors, according to videos posted on social media by Syrian activists. The team had a "very productive" day and will continue its work Tuesday after examining its findings Monday evening, U.N. spokesman Farhan Haq said in New York.
Government and opposition forces have accused each other of unleashing poison gas last week in the suburban Damascus area of Ghouta. Syria's opposition said that as many as 1,300 people were killed, prompting new calls for Western powers to intervene in the country's 2-year-old civil war.
In Washington, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry called the use of chemical weapons a "moral obscenity" that could not go unanswered, and he said Syrian actions are "not the behavior of a government that has nothing to hide."
Syrian civil war in photos Syrian civil war in photos
Kerry: Chemical use a 'moral obscenity'
Syria's wounded treated in Israel
Horrific video we must show you
Kerry stopped short of directly accusing President Bashar al-Assad's government of a massacre. But he said, "We know that the Syrian regime maintains custody of these chemical weapons. We know that the Syrian regime has the capacity to do this with rockets. We know that the regime has been determined to clear the opposition from those very places where the attacks took place."
Meanwhile, he said that Syria was "systemically destroying evidence" of last week's attack by continuing to shell the area and that the danger the team faced Monday "only further weakens the regime's credibility." The Obama administration is now weighing how to respond in talks with U.S. allies and members of Congress, he said.
"Nothing today is more serious, and nothing is receiving more serious scrutiny," Kerry said.
Monday's examination took place after unidentified snipers shot multiple times at a vehicle used by the U.N. team and after an explosion near the site inspectors planned to visit, the United Nations said. There were no reports of injuries.
U.N. officials did not say who was behind the shooting or the explosion, which witnesses said may have been caused by a mortar shell. The Syrian government accused "terrorists" of firing on the inspectors, Syrian state TV reported.
U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon said inspectors visited hospitals, interviewed witnesses, survivors and doctors and collected some samples. Speaking from Seoul, South Korea, Ban said he has directed the group to register a "strong complaint" to government and opposition forces to make sure the team's safety is guaranteed.
The Syrian government agreed to grant the inspectors full access on Sunday, pledging to cease all hostilities as long as the team was on the ground, the United Nations said. And an umbrella group for the Syrian opposition, the Syrian National Coalition, said rebel forces would ensure the safety of any U.N. personnel in the area.
But the government would not let U.N. inspectors approach the site for days, and the team feared that the chemical evidence may have dissipated.
Attacks could reinforce poison gas 'taboo'
Middle East analyst Richard Haass told CNN's The Lead that Kerry's comments "went far out on a limb" and indicate that a U.S. strike on Syria was in the works, with or without U.N. Security Council backing. Haass, the president of the Council on Foreign Relations, said military action was needed "to underscore the principle, the norm, the taboo that these weapons ought to have."
"No one, Syria or anybody else, now and forevermore, should be able to use such weapons, much less biological or nuclear weapons, with impunity," he said. But he said Washington should limit its intervention in the conflict, "so we don't get enmeshed in what I think could become a quagmire."
"If we want to help the opposition, the best way to do it is through considerable arming of those elements of the opposition with agendas we can support," he said.
But with Syria already seen as a proxy war that has been spilling across its neighbors' borders for months, the prospects for improvement aren't likely to be aided by American airstrikes, said Andrew Tabler, a senior fellow at the Washington Institute for Near East Policy.
"This is just going to be one chapter in a very long struggle we have in Syria," Tabler told CNN's The Situation Room.
Russia, Syria's leading ally, has raised sharp objections to the possibility of any outside intervention. Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov said Monday that reports of the use of chemical weapons must be "thoroughly and professionally investigated" and submitted to the U.N. Security Council.
At a news conference Monday, Lavrov said there's no proof yet that the Syrian government was involved in last week's reported attack. And Sunday, a Foreign Ministry statement compared the Western allegations against Syria to the claims that Iraq was hoarding weapons of mass destruction before the U.S. invasion in 2003 -- claims that fell apart once American troops began searching for them.
Charles Duelfer, the former head of U.S. weapons inspection teams in Iraq, said the U.N. experts will be looking to collect evidence from witnesses and survivors of last week's attack, including samples that can be analyzed later.
"They'll be looking for remnants of the munitions, which could be sophisticated munitions that a military would have -- or if it turns out, unexpectedly, to be the case that the insurgents had cobbled together some sort of CW capability, maybe they'll find that," Duelfer said.
Duelfer said he expects the U.S. government has its own sources: "Presumably, the National Security Agency can listen to people besides the United States, so they may have data which the weapons inspectors may not have," he told The Situation Room. But while Washington's evidence may be solid, U.N. inspectors "provide credibility across the board."
"When they say something, presumably all countries will say. 'OK, we can accept that, they don't have a dog in that fight,' " Duelfer said.
U.S. officials have said they have no credible evidence pointing to opposition groups using chemical weapons. And the Obama administration is expected to declassify the intelligence assessment backing up its assertion that the Syrian regime was responsible for last week's attack before any U.S. military action would take place, a senior administration official said Monday.
That evidence "includes but is not limited to" satellite images of activity at Syrian military installations identified as including chemical weapons depots, a senior administration official familiar with the intelligence told CNN.
And Kerry said he had argued to Syrian Foreign Minister Walid Moallem last week that if the government had nothing to hide, "then their response should be immediate: immediate transparency, immediate access, not shelling."
"Failure to permit that, I told him, would tell its own story," he said.
Al-Assad: It wasn't us
The Pentagon has sent four warships armed with cruise missiles to the region, and Obama will be presented with final options regarding actions against Syria in the next few days, a senior administration official said Monday.
But as U.S. muscle plows the waters of the eastern Mediterranean Sea, al-Assad on Monday repeated his government's denial that his army had anything to do with the use of poison gas.
"The area of the claimed attack is in contiguity with the Syrian army positions, so how is it possible that any country would use chemical weapons in an area where its own forces are located?" he asked in an interview with Russian newspaper Izvestia.
Al-Assad accused the United States, Britain and France of exploiting the incident by trying to verify rebel allegations instead of verifying facts.
The use of a large amount of chemical weapons would cross a "red line" and threaten U.S. interests in the region, Obama announced last year. Tabler, who has had extensive contacts with al-Assad, said the Syrian leader may have watched as Washington reacted cautiously to previous reports of chemical warfare and gambled incorrectly that last week's attack would draw a similar response.
"I think he thought that he could push the envelope again and that he could actually show his own people that no one is going to come to their rescue," Tabler said.
Syria agrees to let U.N. investigate
World reacts to alleged chemical attack
McCain: Obama 'too cautious' on Syria
Syrian opposition's war strategy
Opposition accusations
Opposition members say rockets with chemical payloads were among the ordnance government troops unleashed at the rebel stronghold of Ghouta early Wednesday. More than 1,300 people died, most of them by gas, according to opposition spokesman Khaled al-Saleh.
The opposition backed up the allegations with gruesome video of rows of dead bodies, including women and children. They had no visible wounds, and some appeared to be bloated. The aid agency Medecins sans Frontieres said three hospitals it supports in Syria's Damascus governorate reported having received about 3,600 patients displaying neurotoxic symptoms on Wednesday morning.
But according to Syrian state-run television's depiction of events, government forces came into contact with a gas attack on Saturday in Jobar, on the edge of Damascus. Several of the soldiers were "suffocating" from exposure to gases as they entered the city, according to state TV.
"It is believed that the terrorists have used chemical weapons in the area," Syrian TV reported, citing an anonymous source. The government uses the term "terrorists" to describe rebel forces.
Broadcast video showed a room containing gas masks, gas canisters and other paraphernalia that could be used in a gas attack. The army said it uncovered the cache in a storage facility in the area.
CNN could not independently confirm the authenticity of video shown by the government or rebels.

Being Friends With Women - Is this Possible ?

Being friends with women', it sounds as if one desperately wants to have something really sweet but somehow, realizes that he is diabetic. We all know that women are the most difficult, yet enchanting creatures, (Oh! For all you ladies out there, We mean to say that women are the ‘charming beauties’), but what is more difficult, it is to understand the complexity of their minds. We wonder about that brain which makes a woman say ‘we are just friends’ (We mean it is quite heart dwelling to hear that). This vicious ‘Friend Zone’ is an impossible riddle to solve, so let’s not go into the complicated question of ‘being just friends’ and just find out the benefits of being in the friend zone with a woman.
Don’t you like to be in the company of the woman you seriously adore? The answer is definitely a big ‘yes’. But you just don’t want to be in the Friend Zone.
Hmm…. Don’t worry champ, trust us, women are so very much confused in themselves that they start thinking when there is absolutely no need to think (hey ladies! We just mean to say that you all belong to a class of great ‘Thinkers’). Being a woman’s friend provides you an opportunity to understand her.
Find out what she likes the most, what are her dislikes, her mood swings, and many other important traits about her personality. (And even after knowing so much about a woman, you actually understand nothing. So, friendship with women definitely makes you eligible for a Nobel).
Well! We have nothing personal against women (You believe us?), but like every coin has two sides, similarly there are some jolly good benefits of making friends with a woman. Its biggest advantage is that it gives a man more time to judge whether the person he loves is really the right choice or not.
A man can be with that woman of his dreams and judge, if his choice is really a worth. The irritating friend zone provides an opportunity for some introspection to the man. The undying affection or the so-called pure and true love can also be tested during these times as you will be able to understand gradually whether you both are really made for each other or is that just a case of you being mad for her.
Women use this friend zone in order to feel absolutely secure as well as to remain tension-free and enjoy life. They think (take into consideration ‘think’) that they can act cleverly, by making a lover cum foolish friend dance on their tunes. We agree that women are quite balanced in their approach and their brain is indeed like that of a chameleon (Oops! We think we did it again.)
Some men, on the other hand, are no less than these ‘ever friendly’ women. In fact, they are more dumbos as they just don’t want friendship with woman, as it zeroes their chances of having sex with them. C’mon guys have a chill pill and think with a cool head. You will realize that it is more fun in being just a friend with a woman.
Sex is not the only thing for you and for making the woman realize that you are the best thing that ever happened to her, you have to be with her (and Sex would eventually happen as it is a gradual process).
However, the need is to understand the right techniques of how to enrich the benefits of being in the friend zone with a woman. So, champ it depends upon you, as how you extract the benefits of this intriguing situation and after a bit of introspection, turn the circumstances into your favour, but do it only if you realize that you really want to do so.
Till then have fun!!!

Parents' Divorce Affects Kids' Social Skills

A recent study has resulted out in a fact that kids of divorced parents do not perform good, both socially and academically. Check the details here:
In this world, a child always seeks and looks up to his parents for any need or emotional support. But when parents decide to get separated without giving a thought to what will happen to the life of their child, this situation delivers many worries for the kid. There are many examples when kids see their parents fighting and using foul language against each other. That is why such children do not grow as confident and intelligent individuals. This is also because they never get the right kind of guidance to handle the situations and difficulties of life. Thus, a disturbed parent relationship can even disturb the whole life of a kid. So, take a look here at a review about a new study that has stamped this aspect with their research. View inside!!

Parents' Separation harms Kids' Social Skills and Personality

This issue was published in the issue of American Sociological Review. And it was done by Hyun Sik Kim who is a PhD candidate in sociology at the University of Wisconsin Madison. She used data from early childhood longitudinal study described more than 3,500 U.S elementary school students who started going to kindergarten in 1998.
Here, subjects of parents were also made while checking their impact on children on periodic basis. It made the task of detecting the period of families in which they went through divorce. And it also provided the state of conditions of after and before periods of the divorce. The result of the research showed that children performed poor in maths in the period of the proceedings of their parent's divorce. However, there was a section of children who showed no issue while their parents were divorcing. Thus, a conclusion was made out that, on one hand, divorce can affect the overall individuality of a child. And on the other, children even learn to cope up with such drastic situations at some point of time.
In fact, this study also stressed on the point, like every wound heals, so children start learning to cope up with the worse conditions at their home. But, in the long run of life, they do not become as good individuals as the children of intact families do. Thus, to save a child, to whom, you have given life, do not act in hastiness, forget your differences and try to stay united to make your special kid the most confident and intelligent person. In the end, it would be wiser to say that even if you don't complement each other much, kids should be the main purpose of your living together forever!!

Over 40? 15 Tips To Easily Lose Inches and Look (and feel) Sexier Than Ever

Here are my simple tips for losing weight and keeping it off. They are all very simple tips. They all work for me, but everyone is different. I would honestly love to know what works for you!
I strongly prefer simple actionable tips, that work with what you enjoy. Nothing else will work long term.
Disclaimer: I have never read a weight loss book. I have absolutely no scientific knowledge.:
1. Weigh yourself every day. I keep an eye on my weight, by having the scales next to my shower. It may seem obsessive, but it helps me not to lose focus. My weight seems to fluctuate within a 2 kg range randomly. I don’t panic if it gets to the top of the range.
2. Water is the key. I don’t know why, but drinking water really helps me. The more water I drink, the better my body functions. (If you don’t like water, put a few drops of apple juice in the glass to give it some flavor.) And I don’t stop drinking before I weigh myself, because I would be kidding myself. Weight loss starts with honesty to yourself.
3. Avoid processed foods. The basic rule – all packaged, processed food is unhealthy. I avoid it, where possible. Not easy, but worth the effort. The interest of food companies is certainly NOT your health.
4. Avoid sugary drinks and fast food You know it. Don’t be fooled by low calorie or diet claims. These foods and drinks are only making you fat and miserable.
5. Get 7 hours of quality sleep. Staying healthy is about basics. Water and sleep are my basics. I make sure I get enough sleep. I aim for 7 hours minimum and 8 hours at the weekend. I also have a really good quality bed, to make sure I get quality sleep. I know a good bed is not cheap, but it is one of life’s bargains because quality of life is much higher if you get good sleep. And it helps my body function better. Strange but true.
6. Get off that couch. In my mind, losing weight is 33% about food, 33% about giving your body what it needs to function (rest, water, etc) and 33% about moving. TV is simply a waste of my time, especially if I am sitting on a couch and have chips to go with it. If I need the TV, I can go to a health club with exercise machines with a TV attached. But better still – avoid the TV and do some social sports. And I try to avoid late-night TV. It is wrong in so many ways.
7. Salad is important. I am not really fond of the taste of salad. But my body seems to like it. And the strange thing is, once I take a bite or 2 of salad, I find it difficult to stop eating it. I am convinced that it is a large part of losing weight, but I can’t explain why. It is a large part of every meal I eat.
8. Eat fish, vegetables and fruit where possible. You hear this regularly. And I believe it is true. Fish, vegetables and fruit make me feel healthier and more energetic, and I am told there is more nutrition and less calories.
9. Ignore scientific evidence… First red wine was the answer to a long life. Then red wine was not healthy and the guy who claimed it was discredited. Then … Frankly, I don’t care. I love a glass of red wine, yoghurt, honey, a cup of coffee, sultana’s, the occasional burger and chips, etc. Let them prove what they want, as long as they let me make up my own mind.

Where The Good Guys Are: A Guided Tour

The true puzzle of our time, the question that leaves so many otherwise intelligent women and gay men scratching their heads with all of the earnest obliviousness of a cheerleader, that riddle of riddles: Where are all the good guys? Let me tell you, they exist. Those elusive little unicorns of the healthy savings account and calling you back in a reasonable amount of time can, indeed, be found. One just needs to know where to look. Allow me to take you on a mystical journey through their natural habitats. Allow me to be your Bear Grylls of finding guys who are happy to meet your parents. Follow me.
1. He will be at school/ work: It kind of sucks to think about, but if you are looking for someone who takes even the slightest interest in his future/ the mark he will one day leave on the world, and is not content to just write four opening pages of a new novel every year, he’s probably going to be busy sometimes. He will be in libraries, staying late at work, going home relatively early on the weekdays, and generally getting shit done. Wouldn’t it be so much sexier to ride off into the sunset on a motorcycle, arms wrapped around a spindly guitarist who is secretly boning your best friend? Oh, yes, it would. But good guys will be putting all of that extra sleep energy into taking out the trash, waiting for you at the doctor, and listening to you talk about your feelings. Your feelings.
2. He will not be at gross clubs: No truly good guy frequents any place with a 20 dollar cover for men and 15 dollar cocktails. He doesn’t hang out where the only playlist is David Guetta, David Guetta, and MORE DAVID GUETTA. He doesn’t feel comfortable in a place called “Platinum” or “Red Russian” or “Bungalow 9 and 3/4″ or wherever you’re going to make a fool of yourself on the weekends. And I’m the first to admit, I love going out with the girls occasionally and dancing in a small solar system around the prettiest one and retiring to the bathrooms every 30 minutes. But I am under no illusions that my future husband lurks amongst the bros, frat boys, and egregiously under-buttoned men lingering around the perimeter of the dance floor. The best you can hope for with a guy you meet at a club is that he won’t vomit on you on the taxi ride over to his place for the horrifying one-night-stand.
3. He will be clawing fruitlessly at the walls of the friend zone: If we’re going to get real about things, we should just all collectively admit that the truly good guys who have passed through/ awkwardly remain a part of our lives have been quickly, neatly, and firmly placed into the friendzone. Mike just loves you so much, and you love him, too — he is like the brother you never had. You can fall asleep on the same bed after hours of conversation about the guys you’re interested in and not ever touch, not even once! In all seriousness, though, eventually we’re going to have to accept that the men we’re happy to reject when we’re 22 and surrounded by hot, emotionally deceptive chain smokers is going to be the man we would kill for when our biological clocks are ticking so loud we can’t hear ourselves think anymore. At least put the poor guy on a five-year plan.
4. He will not be looking at your blog: In case you actually did manage to fall for a nice guy, find him and decide, despite how dreadfully responsible and loving he is, to want him back — simply calling out over the plains of the internet won’t do. In no alternate universe will the guy you want see that Death Cab quote on your Tumblr and say to himself, “Oh my god! ‘They thought it less like a lake, and more like a moat’? I LOVE HER, TOO!!!!” No. The world does not work like that, and you can’t blame the good guy for not reaching out to you and risking the venomous, fatal sting of a young female rejection if the only information you’re giving for him to go on is, “He’s got a love like woe </3.”
5. He will not be attending super-cool events: I don’t want to make generalizations here, but let’s just say that a rough 97 percent of all men who care if they were photographed at the right party, are wearing the coolest kind of sneaker, or lose sleep over their Twitter follower count are going to hit it and quit it after two weeks maximum. I know that we all like to imagine that the sexy, interesting, incredibly well-dressed men who woo us at bars with their thrilling career in social media and friendship with Tyler the Creator will do anything but make us feel like gerbil droppings, but they won’t. They do not love us, they love themselves. And rightfully so, someone has to obsess over whether or not they’re getting red carpet access at that bullshit premiere. Occasionally men who have attained this kind of fame can hold onto their intelligence, their cunning, and their compassion — but I contest that it is so rare as to be impossible. One could argue James Franco stands as a shining example, but let’s be real, that man is not a human being. TC mark

What Men Really Think About Your Body

You Say “Flawed”, He Says “Sexy”: What Men Really Think About Your Body

This may come as a shock to you but guys have different eyeballs than you do. You know why I’m saying that?
Because when YOU look at yourself in the mirror, you see that front tooth that’s a bit crooked, the line where your bra presses in (you call this your “back fat”), the too-small breasts or the too-wide rear, your goofy knees, funny toes…. The list goes on and on.
But you know what your MAN sees? A woman he’d love to strip naked and get busy with right this instant, maybe sooner. My personal body part confession… Maybe you have a muffin top “thing,” but I used to HATE my feet.
When I was a teenager, I had surgery on my big toes (bunions, it’s such an ugly word!!) and for the next 20 years I zealously covered my feet. I never EVER owned a pair of sandals or open-toed shoes and would have died before I let a man openly look at my feet. I have a big scar running the length of both big toes. My second toe is longer. My feet are… wanky. You know. Ugh, I could make myself MISERABLE thinking about my feet.
Shockingly, amazingly, wonderfully, I found a man actually willing (he would say, desperate!) to marry me.
I hope you’re laughing now, but at the time, I found it next to impossible to think about what kind of man would marry me “even with these feet.”

3 ways MEN see your body…

If you asked my man which of my physical attributes attracted him, it’s really hard for him to move past the standard T&A answer you’d probably get from any man. You can almost see a physical effort as he drags his sex-craving brain past the chest, past the butt, and FINALLY he’ll tell you something like, “She has gorgeous shoulders…”
I bet he didn’t even know I had scars on my feet for the first 10 years we were married.
Here’s the thing: Men see your body in three ways, and it’s nothing like the way you see yourself.

1. They see what makes you WOMANLY

This means when they look at you they instantly notice the things about your body that make you uniquely a woman. Breasts, hips, ass, curves… Even the way you walk. It’s nearly impossible for a red-blooded heterosexual male to notice anything before they read the parts of your body that say: I am a woman.
Your arm flaps do not make this list. Your cellulite does not make this list. Your stretch marks do not make this list. Sorry.

2. They see what makes you UNIQUE

That chipped tooth you hate? They think it’s kind of charming. The muffin top? They can’t see it because it’s too near your ass, which they think is the finest thing in nine counties. Do you think your lips are too thin? They just love it when you smile at them. (And truthfully, when they think about your lips on their body, they are NOT thinking “Oh her lips are too thin.” I PROMISE.)
If guys notice a particular body part of yours that you think makes you hideous (and I guarantee you they would never use that term) they just think it makes you uniquely…you! And since it’s YOU they are desperate for, they want that part of you as much as the others.

3. They see what you constantly draw their attention to

This is where you have the power to rock or ruin a relationship.
When you constantly complain about your own body, a man’s desire to enjoy and love you are being eroded a little at a time. In other words, you’re rejecting him. He thinks, “I could touch her body all day,” and you say, “I’m too flabby.” You’re not only tearing yourself down, you’re tearing HIM – his thoughts, his desires for you, his excitement about you – down.
And it works the other way, too. Show off your pedicure (I do, now!), go sleeveless, wear that backless dress, and ruthlessly tease him with the body he absolutely adores.

A man loves a REAL woman

Of course he looks at the naked, “perfect” girls in the magazine or online. And of course you’re bombarded with “perfect” skinny chicks on the runway or the billboard.
But a picture of perfection – whether it’s real or not – is no competition whatsoever for a living, breathing, fragrant woman sitting next to a man at a restaurant. Or pressed slightly against him in the elevator. Perfection can go hang; you are up close and personal.
Stepford wives are creepy. You can be assured that while he might fantasize about a playmate of the month, he’ll take a real woman over a figment of his imagination EVERY time.

Celebrate your body (and let him do it, too)!

Of course you want to invest time and energy into a healthy, beautiful body. But meanwhile, don’t let your own issues with your body drive him away. You deserve all the fabulous man-attention as he wants to give you!

How to make a man fall in love with you

Maybe you’re still waiting for that amazing guy to come along… Is there anything YOU can do to get him here and in your life, right now? Listen to the story of how one woman “tamed” renowned relationship expert Michael Fiore, and almost magically got HIM to decide it was time to stop playing the field.

9 Realizations About Love We Never Have Until It’s Too Late

1. Love cannot be deceptive, malicious or conniving. We are the ones who become those things when we hold onto love for our own selfish reasons, and then let it go when we no longer need someone to fill those spaces within us. It’s not the love that hurts us, it’s everything else that gets in the way.
2. There’s no right or wrong time for love. Usually when someone says something along those lines, it means they don’t want to be with you for one reason or another. People have made love work across continents and through wars and past death. You either will or you won’t.
3. Love is not limited to the romantic definition that we most often associate it with. It is the essence of who we are. It is the fiber of our beings. Our physical bodies react to romantic love the most drastically, and so we almost become addicted to that high for it’s ease-of-access when someone gives it to us. The truth is that love is present in many other simple ways we don’t have enough temperance to reach within ourselves.
4. The only love you need is your own. I know, I know how many thousands of times you’ve probably heard this– but it’s so unbearably true I cannot help but say it again. The truth is that when seeking love, what we’re really seeking is something to make our lives worthwhile. Unfortunately, if you find that foundation in someone else, once they are gone, your building collapses.
5. People get into and stay in relationships for a thousand different reasons that have nothing to do with love. Don’t ever assume you understand. Love, or at least the perception that we have it, seems like an instant cure-all for many of life’s emotional ailments.
6. The best love is the love that changes you and inspires you to be better. You can live with a love that is comfortable, or you can be challenged by a love that moves you forth. I think that people with the most passionate, fulfilling lives are the ones who choose the latter.
7. At any given moment, you can choose love. You will spend your entire life waiting until you think you’re “ready” for it, but that’s nothing more than a ploy to protect yourself because you don’t want to be hurt again.
8. You don’t have to be entirely certain all the time. You are allowed to have doubts. You are allowed to be absolutely terrified but absolutely enamored by someone at the same time. You’re supposed to have issues. You’re going to have challenges. Love is never a clean-cut and easily understood phenomenon. It usually doesn’t make sense, and that’s because you usually can’t use your mind to make sense of love. It’s using the right key on the wrong door.
9. When it comes to love, like many other things in life, you always know in your heart what the right thing to do is, it’s all a matter of having the courage to do it. You know when you should leave. You know who you should be with, and who you shouldn’t. It’s never a matter of not knowing, it’s a matter of letting yourself embrace that knowing despite your mind’s objections. Despite what consequences your irrational, nonsensical love could yield. TC mark

Mothers are not 'opting out' - they are out of options


 


In the United States, mothers are increasingly finding themselves stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

 

"The choice that is not really a choice" is one of the oldest tricks in parenting. Anticipating a tantrum or endless dawdling, the parent offers the child a limited set of options: "Would you like to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt? Would you like the carrots or the apple? It's your choice."
The child, being a child, feels empowered. He is the one in control; he gets to make the big decisions. But this deception only lasts for so long. Eventually the child grows older and starts to dream beyond his proscriptions. He realises there are not only two options, but a world of dazzling variety. He demands to be part of this world, but his requests are denied. He realises he never had options after all, but that choice itself was an illusion produced by the powerful.
If only his mother would realise the same.
On August 7, the New York Times ran an article called "The Opt Out Generation Wants Back In" - a follow-up to a 2003 story about highly accomplished, well-educated American women who left the workforce to stay at home with their children. Ten years later, the mothers are seeking work that befits their abilities but most are unable to find it, causing them to question their original decision.
Freshers struggle to land jobs in US
The New York Times piece frames the mothers' misgivings as a result of questionable planning and poor marriage partners, paying mere lip service to the tremendous change in the economy over the past ten years. Whether to work or stay at home is presented as an option that has to do with personal fulfillment and childrearing preferences, divorced from fiscal limitations.
But for nearly all women, from upper middle-class to poor, the "choice" of whether to work is not a choice, but an economic bargain struck out of fear and necessity. Since 2008, the costs of childbirth, childcare, health care, and education have soared, while wages have stagnated and full-time jobs have been supplanted by part-time, benefit-free contingency labour.
The media present a woman's fear of losing her career as the fear of losing herself. But the greatest fear of most mothers is not being able to provide for their children. Mothers with high-paying jobs go back to work to earn money for their kids. Married mothers with low-paying jobs quit to save money for their kids. Single mothers struggle to find work that pays enough to support their kids. Self-fulfillment is a low priority in an economy fuelled by worker insecurity.
The assumed divide between mothers who work inside and outside the home is presented as a war of priorities. But in an economy of high debt and sinking wages, nearly all mothers live on the edge. Choices made out of fear are not really choices. The illusion of choice is a way to blame mothers for an economic system rigged against them. There are no "mommy wars", only money wars - and almost everyone is losing.
Motherhood as a financial burden
Here is how raising a child in America has changed over the past decade. Between 2004 and 2010, the average out-of-pocket costs for delivering a baby rose fourfold, making it the costliest in the world. Two decades ago, insured American women, on average, paid nothing. Today the average out-of-pocket cost with insurance is $3,400, with many insured women paying much more, and uninsured mothers charged tens of thousands of dollars.
The average American woman begins the journey of motherhood paying off mountains of debt. One could argue there is indeed a "choice" at play: the hospitals and health insurance companies can choose to stop inflating prices, charging for unwanted procedures, or refusing to cover necessary ones.
But with the health insurance industry facing little accountability, the burden of "choice" reverts back to the mother. The skyrocketing cost of childbirth corresponds with the rise of the homebirth movement, which, while appealling to some women for personal, non-economic reasons, is also a way to try to dodge the hospital bill (for women with complicated deliveries, this "choice" is quickly curtailed).
Inside Story Americas - The American single mother's burden
Like so many movements born in times of economic ruin, homebirth is presented by the media as a lifestyle trend, a return to "natural living" much like the rise of bicycling (cannot afford a car), "shabby chic" (cannot afford new clothes or furniture), and gardening (cannot afford fresh produce).
Desperate or pragmatic economic decisions are rationalised with moral superiority. In the post-employment economy, "opting out" is often code for "cannot afford a job".
America is notorious for workplace policies that are unfriendly to mothers - we have among the shortest parental leave of any developed nation, with 40 percent of companies providing none at all. We also have among the world's most expensive childcare (although our childcare workers are paid a pittance). The average cost of daycare is $11,666 per year, with the average cost in some states as high as $19,000. This means that young parents, still struggling to pay off their massive college loans, are also expected to pay daycare costs equivalent to college tuition.
Since the recession began, the cost of daycare has soared while US median income collapsed, plummeting 7.3 percent. The average household makes $51,404 before taxes. A family with two children and two working parents could easily find over half of their income going to childcare. For the average married mother of small children, it is often cheaper to stay home - even if she would prefer to be in the workforce. It is hard to "lean in" when you are priced out.
Regardless of their reasons, all mothers who stay home with children are penalised later by the perception that they "chose" to neglect their career. When they attempt to return to the workforce, their years at home are held against them, considered a "blank spot" on the resume - a blank spot with a reason so obvious and laudable and often involuntary that it is sick we deride it as "choice".
Careers are not pursued by choice
Corporate feminists like Sheryl Sandberg frame female success as a matter of attitude. But it is really a matter of money - or the lack thereof. For all but the fortunate few, American motherhood is making sure you have enough lifeboats for your sinking ship. American motherhood is a cost-cutting, debt-dodging scramble somehow interpreted as a series of purposeful moves. American mothers are not "leaning in". American mothers are not "opting out". American mothers are barely hanging on.
Careers in this economy are not about choices. They are about structural constraints masquerading as choice. Being a mother is a structural constraint regardless of your economic position. Mothers pay a higher price in a collapsed economy, but that does not mean they should not demand change - both in institutions and perceptions.
Erasing stigma - whether of hard-working, impoverished single mothers branded as "lazy", or of wealthier mothers whose skills outside the home are downplayed and denied - does not cost a thing.
The irony of American motherhood is that the politicians and corporations who hold power do have a choice in how they treat mothers and their children. Yet they act as if they are held hostage to intractable policies and market forces, excusing the incompetence and corporate malfeasance that drain our households dry.
Mothers can emulate them and treat "choice" as an individual burden - or we can work together and push for accountability and reform. This option is not easy. But we are used to that.

 

Monday, 26 August 2013

10 Life Lessons You Should Unlearn

 In the past 10 years, I've realized that our culture is rife with ideas that actually inhibit joy. Here are some of the things I'm most grateful to have unlearned:

1. Problems are bad. You spent your school years solving arbitrary problems imposed by boring authority figures. You learned that problems—comment se dit?—suck. But people without real problems go mad and invent things like base jumping and wedding planning. Real problems are wonderful, each carrying the seeds of its own solution. Job burnout? It's steering you toward your perfect career. An awful relationship? It's teaching you what love means. Confusing tax forms? They're suggesting you hire an accountant, so you can focus on more interesting tasks, such as flossing. Finding the solution to each problem is what gives life its gusto.

2. It's important to stay happy. Solving a knotty problem can help us be happy, but we don't have to be happy to feel good. If that sounds crazy, try this: Focus on something that makes you miserable. Then think, "I must stay happy!" Stressful, isn't it? Now say, "It's okay to be as sad as I need to be." This kind of permission to feel as we feel—not continuous happiness—is the foundation of well-being.

3. I'm irreparably damaged by my past. Painful events leave scars, true, but it turns out they're largely erasable. Jill Bolte Taylor, the neuroanatomist who had a stroke that obliterated her memory, described the event as losing "37 years of emotional baggage." Taylor rebuilt her own brain, minus the drama. Now it appears we can all effect a similar shift, without having to endure a brain hemorrhage. The very thing you're doing at this moment—questioning habitual thoughts—is enough to begin off-loading old patterns. For example, take an issue that's been worrying you ("I've got to work harder!") and think of three reasons that belief may be wrong. Your brain will begin to let it go. Taylor found this thought-loss euphoric. You will, too.

4. Working hard leads to success. Baby mammals, including humans, learn by playing, which is why "the battle of Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton." Boys who'd spent years strategizing for fun gained instinctive skills to handle real-world situations. So play as you did in childhood, with all-out absorption. Watch for ways your childhood playing skills can solve a problem (see #1). Play, not work, is the key to success. While we're on the subject...

5. Success is the opposite of failure. Fact: From quitting smoking to skiing, we succeed to the degree we try, fail, and learn. Studies show that people who worry about mistakes shut down, but those who are relaxed about doing badly soon learn to do well. Success is built on failure.

"If all my wishes came true, right now, life would be perfect"
6. It matters what people think of me. "But if I fail," you may protest, "people will think badly of me!" This dreaded fate causes despair, suicide, homicide. I realized this when I read blatant lies about myself on the Internet. When I bewailed this to a friend, she said, "Wow, you have some painful fantasies about other people's fantasies about you." Yup, my anguish came from my hypothesis that other people's hypothetical hypotheses about me mattered. Ridiculous! Right now, imagine what you'd do if it absolutely didn't matter what people thought of you. Got it? Good. Never go back.

7. We should think rationally about our decisions. Your rational capacities are far newer and more error-prone than your deeper, "animal" brain. Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal. Consider a choice you have to make—anything from which movie to see to which house to buy. Instead of weighing pros and cons intellectually, notice your physical response to each option. Pay attention to when your body tenses or relaxes. And speaking of bodies...

8. The pretty girls get all the good stuff. Oh, God. So not true. I unlearned this after years of coaching beautiful clients. Yes, these lovelies get preferential treatment in most life scenarios, but there's a catch: While everyone's looking at them, virtually no one sees them. Almost every gorgeous client had a husband who'd married her breasts and jawline without ever noticing her soul.

9. If all my wishes came true right now, life would be perfect. Check it out: People who have what you want are all over rehab clinics, divorce courts, and jails. That's because good fortune has side effects, just like medications advertised on TV. Basically, any external thing we depend on to make us feel good has the power to make us feel bad. Weirdly, when you've stopped depending on tangible rewards, they often materialize. To attract something you want, become as joyful as you think that thing would make you. The joy, not the thing, is the point.

10. Loss is terrible. Ten years ago I still feared loss enough to abandon myself in order to keep things stable. I'd smile when I was sad, pretend to like people who appalled me. What I now know is that losses aren't cataclysmic if they teach the heart and soul their natural cycle of breaking and healing. A real tragedy? That's the loss of the heart and soul themselves. If you've abandoned yourself in the effort to keep anyone or anything else, unlearn that pattern. Live your truth, losses be damned. Just like that, your heart and soul will return home.

Two British women assaulted and flung in hellhole Chinese jail after row in shoe shop... and now they can't come home because their visas have expired



They
Modupe Idowu, 59 and Esther Jubril Badmos, 48, were arrested after becoming embroiled in a dispute at a shoe shop in the city of Guangzhou
were locked up in 'hell-like' conditions at a detention centre for 38 days
Pair have been released but can't return home to London because their visas have run out and Chinese authorities won't issue them new ones

Two British woman have been detained in China for more than two months after their dream holiday turned to nightmare.

Modupe Idowu, 59, and her friend Esther Jubril Badmos, also 48, were arrested after becoming embroiled in a dispute at a shoe shop in the city of Guangzhou.

They were locked up in 'hell-like' conditions at a detention centre for 38 days and although they have now been released, the two women remain trapped in the country as their visas have expired and authorities refuse to issue them new ones.

Trapped: Mary Idowu, left, and Esther Jubril-Badmos are stuck in China as their visas ran out when police detained them for 38 days and authorities are now refusing to issue them new ones

Mrs Idowu's desperate family said the two women's ordeal began Ms Badmos asked the shop to amend an order she had lodged earlier in the trip.

She was then assaulted by two members of staff before both women went to a police station.

Mrs Idowu, from Islington, North London witnessed a vicious attack on her friend.

Daughter Sarah Murray said: 'Although Esther tried to defend herself, she was pushed to the floor, kicked and beaten - and handfuls of her hair were ripped out.

'A security guard locked them in a room and another man, who we think is the shop owner's brother, came to the room and punched Esther.'

When they arrived at the police station their passports were seized and they were pressurised into signing paperwork they didn't understand, before being flung into a cell overnight without food and moved to a detention centre the next day.


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Ms Idowu, who is known as Mary, was put in a cell with six other women - forced to sleep on a wooden plank and go to the toilet in front of the other prisoners.

Her friend was taken to the centre's hospital where she was treated for her injuries.

Meanwhile Mrs Idowu's five children have struggled to find out any information about their mother - despite paying lawyers in China around £4,000 to find out - and two of them flew to the country to track her down at the end of July.

Both women were released on July 29 but since then have been met with an onslaught of demands including a £20,000 claim for damages from the shop owner, which was eventually settled with £4,500.

Ordeal: The pair were arrested after being assaulted by two members of staff at a shoe shop in Guangzhou, pictured, when they asked them to amend an order

But their visas have now expired and they cannot be issued with new ones until police provide paperwork to show the charges had been dropped.

Despite endless visits to the police station, officers refuse to tell them when, and if, the documentation will be provided.

Mrs Murray said she barely recognised her mum when she saw her come out of prison.

'When I saw her, I thought she looked like an old woman. She could not walk properly. She was so frail and so skinny as she had lost a couple of stone as she barely ate.'

Mrs Murray, who returned from China last week, added: 'I can't really put this experience into words. We are totally confused. It's like watching a horror film.'

Her sister, Julie Idowu, 26 said: 'Our pain is very real. I have been crying every day. I have taken a lot of time off work as I'm so worried about my mum.

'Her health and mental state is a big concern as well as the fact that she has missed her operation.

'It's an injustice that my mum has been held for all this time for witnessing an assault on her friend.

Her other sister, Elizabeth Idowu, criticised lawyers, saying: 'People are exploiting our despair. They are making money out of our continued suffering.'

A Foreign and Commonwealth Office spokeswoman said they were aware of the situation and were providing assistance, but could not comment further and said it was a matter for the Chinese.