Attention, married women: What you don't know about marriage may spell trouble.
For instance, if you don't speak up for what you
want, your husband is flying blind -- and not likely to deliver. And the
way you talk about your issues may be making matters worse. And then
there's the bedroom.
Getting married is easy. Being married can be
trickier. Here is some expert advice to avoid or correct six common
mistakes that can cost a marriage, or at the least, weaken its
foundations. Whether it's you or your spouse making these mistakes,
taking positive action can make a big difference.
1. Being Too Quick to Please
Some wives are too willing to give up on what they want, says Susan Heitler, PhD. She is a Denver-based clinical psychologist and author of Power of Two, a marriage skills-building course.
Heitler calls it "appendage-itis," in which the wife
is basically being an accessory to the husband, instead of being a full
and equal partner in the marriage.
Some women tend to be "all about him" rather than all about themselves, as men tend to be, Heitler says.
"Usually, they're afraid it could make a fight or
some unpleasantness, or they just think somehow, on a subconscious
level, in order to preserve the relationship, they have to diminish what
they themselves want," she says. The sense of helplessness leads to
anger that eventually boils over, she says.
Her solution? Express your concerns rationally, whether about housework or parenting
duties, or about not getting enough time with your husband or for
yourself. He may like golfing on weekends while she may want him around
for family time, for example. "If she spoke up, they might be able to
work out a better arrangement," Heitler says. "Maybe they'd switch to a
softball league in the summer where it would be a family event.''
2. Not Being Clear About Expectations
Couples that function the best in marriage have made
their expectations clear from the outset about division of labor,
parenthood, and money, says family and marriage therapist Eli Karam,
PhD. He is an assistant professor of couples therapy at the University
of Louisville.
But many couples don't have those discussions and
are operating on auto-pilot. "Lots of couples operate on what they
assume in their head because they grew up that way, that if it works for
them, it works for their partners," Karam says.
Resentment can easily build if expectations differ
or are dashed on the rocks of hard reality. For example, he says some
women "think having a baby
will change their husband or bring him closer. What we know about
marriage satisfaction is that it takes a massive dip when the first
child is born. If they knew that before marriage ... it would help them
navigate normal roadblocks and not freak out when it happens."
3. Underestimating the Effect of Tone of Voice
No matter who's speaking, man or woman, tone of voice can be an issue if it's tinged only slightly with negativity.
If you have concerns, Heitler encourages
"verbalizing them in a respectful way," rather than speaking in a
frustrated, irritated voice.
By all means, discuss what's bothering you. But do
it in a way that searches for solutions and alternatives, rather than
venting in a way that puts a peaceful solution further out of reach.
4. Mismatched Communication Styles
If you feel you aren't being heard by your husband, you may want to explore the ways you try to get through to him.
Some women repeat their complaint or a concern a few
times in an effort to get their husband's attention. Some men may call
that nagging, but it may just be about having different communication
styles.
Karam calls it the "demand-withdraw" dynamic: One
person wants a conversation, but the other hasn't figured out how to
respond or appears to have shut down, so the speaker presses further.
"That's a vicious pattern," Karam says.
If that happens in your relationship a lot, remember
to pause to let your spouse absorb what you're saying and have "a
chance to validate what they've heard," Karam says.
It might be useful to take a hard look at what is
fixed -- personality quirks, for example -- and what can be changed.
Citing the work of marriage/couples researcher John Gottman, Karam says
nearly 70% of marital problems are "perpetual," meaning that these are
issues that drag on.
The challenge is to recognize what can't be
corrected. It helps to "move toward acceptance," Karam says. "You're not
going to change a cautious person into a risk-taker or an introvert
into an extrovert.''
5. Not Making Sex a Priority
Whether it's fatigue or some other reason, many women don't make enough time for sex. That's a serious mistake, say Heitler and Karam.
"The reality is, what is best for everybody -- for
them, their spouse -- is a healthy sex life," says Heitler. "It keeps
the family a happy family. And what their kids need more than anything
is parents who have a strong, positive bond.''
Karam says women need to build in time -- and by
extension, desire -- to make love with their husbands. "They can't just
drop everything and have sex with their husband. It's a product of
spending alone time together, building anticipation throughout the
week," he says.
Feeling sexy is a good way to start, and that means a woman must make herself a priority.
"Generally, if you're a woman, you have to
prioritize self-care. If you feel good about yourself, you're probably
going to feel sexual," Karam says.
6. Forgetting to Cherish Their Partner
Some women get so focused on kids, work, and home
that they forget to make the small gestures that go a long way to
solidifying their marriage.
"In healthy relationships, there are dollops of positivity, very frequently doled out," Heitler says. "They can be smiles, eye
contact, hugs or touching, verbal comments like 'I agree with that' or
'good point' or even the word 'yes.' Listening, agreement, appreciation,
affection -- those all send out positive energy that envelop both
people in sunshine."
Those gestures remind both partners that they like each other, and friendship is at the heart
of successful marriages, Karam says. Married people often "operate on
out-of-date knowledge of self," he says, leading them away from true
appreciation of their partners.
"It's a myth that a good marriage sustains itself,"
he says. "It's learning yourself, learning your partner. What you are at
24 is not what you are at 34.''
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