Some Very Real Moments That Happen During Breakup Sex Cosmopolitan

1. You already start mourning the loss of his actually pretty good oral sex skills, even though you still hate talking to him for more than five minutes. I wonder if it’d be possible to keep dating, and by “dating,” I mean “having him go down on me every week without us ever speaking to each other again.” Is that a thing?

2. You start thinking about not breaking up. At least not this week. Man, we were good together (in bed, anyway). Maybe I can deal with the fact that he hates my family and I hope his dog runs away because I truly hate her. Couples work through that stuff just so they can keep having regular sex, right?

3. You don’t try as hard to please him in bed because honestly who cares. Yeah, you’re not getting any forced porn moans tonight because I always hated doing them and also you are dead to me.

4. You can suggest something kinda weird because hey, YOLO. Even if he doesn’t want to have sex while you both face out the window and stare at the people at the bar across the street like two super creepy weirdos, what’s the worst that could happen if you ask? He’d want to break up? Already happening.

5. No one tries to coyly get out of condom use. If ever there were a time to become unexpectedly pregnant with his child, the last time you had sex before immediately blocking each other on Facebook is definitely not it.

6. You pay extra close attention to every moment so you can masturbate to it later. It won’t be top-shelf masturbation fodder, but it’ll definitely work as “if I have nothing else to work with and I need something recent” masturbation fodder.

7. You can imagine someone else the whole time and not feel bad about it for one second. When you’re dating someone and start thinking about someone else in bed, you feel awful because it feels a little like cheating. When you’re doing that with your soon-to-be ex, it’s basically like using them as a human dildo who you also used to go grocery shopping with. And honestly, they’re probably doing the same thing to you, so who cares.

8. You do not have to be kind when you tell them something is not working. Politely telling them their elbow is on your hair can easily turn into “Jesus, David. Move.” because whatever. Which leads me to…

9. If you’ve never had super-angry sex before, here’s your chance. Think about it. You’re not just “in the middle of a fight” angry, you’re “I cannot wait to delete your number from my phone because the sight of your name makes me want to hurl” angry. That can only be a good thing in this case.

10. You can finally stop romanticizing how you really feel about him. His weird, isolated patch of back hair? Hate it. The way he sounds when he finally has an orgasm? Worst sound in the world. Plus, getting in touch with all of the things you won’t miss about him will make it that much easier to move the hell on with your life.